Hi friend,

In my last edition, I wrote to you about feeling confident.

And, if you read that letter, you’d know that the first and probably the most important part of it was your inner belief.

That's what I want to focus on today because as I gain more experience in life, at work and in relationships, I realise how what we think about ourselves and our abilities shapes us.

I was in my final year of law school. It was a stressful time because we were all looking for jobs. The desperation, the need to be finally financially independent, was real. The wait, the prep of five long years of law school, was finally coming to an end, but what next?

During the placement season, companies would visit the campus to hire, and one of the top IT companies globally was visiting to hire from our batch.

I had interned there just a few months ago!

When I spoke to my father the day before they were coming, I don't know what and how, I decided not to sit for it because it wasn't what I wanted.

I wanted to work with a law firm and do M&A.

My dad was shocked and rightly so, "beta ('my child' in my language), this is a job offer. You've interned there before. They told you they liked your work. This is not a good idea. AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN HAND."

But I resisted. Told him, "I'll figure it out." My parents stood by my decision then. And I did it. And I got the exact job I wanted. Apparately they were on a hiring freeze, but I got it anyway.

I am writing this for you today as much as I am doing it for myself. I'm scared. I'm anxious about the future.

But remembering this story just reinforces how important inner belief is.

Because the odds will always be against, never in favour enough.

Inner Belief - The Anchor of Self-Concept

So I want to build on that a bit more and talk about the concept of ‘self’ in psychology.

Now there are multiple theories about it, and like every theory, it has a father: Carl Rogers. He said that every person has a certain image of who they are, who they ought to be, and how they behave in their relationships and different environments.

So there’s an ideal self, i.e., who you want to be; there’s the self-image, i.e., who you think you are today; and finally, there’s self-esteem, i.e., how much you like and value yourself.

All three of these make up your self-concept and decide how you show up in your life.

Why should you care about it?

Read my story above, if you haven't already!

But if you still need more, here it is:

If your self-concept is very clear, it means you know yourself and have stronger beliefs in your chances of success, finding meaning, and happiness in life.

It indicates greater competency, autonomy, and impact regardless of where you work.

I’m not saying it’s not important to actually know the subject matter you’re working on. I'm a coach, and if I didn't know even the basics of coaching, no one would get results, and my whole inner belief would go out the window right in the trash.

What I’m saying is that your technical knowledge is useless if you don’t believe you can apply it and get the results you want.

“But Jasleen, you don’t know my circumstances.”

That’s true, I don’t. So I’m not going to pretend that I understand where you’re coming from. I couldn’t possibly understand all 200 of you reading this at once.

I know there are real constraints, practical problems, responsibilities, and whatnot. But I also know some super intelligent people who remain stuck in their roles, can’t find good jobs, or get passed over for promotions in favour of people who are no more capable than they are.

All because they don’t think they deserve to be in the room and then reflect all of it in their words and body language. I promise you, it shows. And it’s not the same thing as being nervous.

Before convincing anyone else, you have to believe in your own abilities and build a self that can solve the problems you want to solve.

How do you build it?

Well, for starters, don’t start going down the rabbit hole of reading more about it. It will feel like progress but, in reality, you’ll just be smarter than before in terms of the information you have and still be stuck in the same place six months later.

Instead, try this:

1/ Drop the judgment

The world does this already. You don’t need to judge yourself, either.

It’s okay if you make a mistake, or you haven’t achieved all you wanted to, or you screwed up the interview, or your performance review didn't go well.

It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough or inadequate in any way.

And if you can, replace it with kindness.

2/ Reflect (again, with kindness)

Simply notice how you feel in different situations and what role you give yourself.

Are you the victim, the hero, or the villain in the situation?

What are your feelings about it?

How do you feel about yourself? Is there pity? Are you angry with yourself? Are you disappointed? Are you proud? Are you satisfied?

Now comes the harder step.

3/ Feedback

Please note - no criticism, just feedback.

When you notice how you actually feel about yourself, talk to yourself from a third-person perspective.

It’s weird at first, but you get used to it. How do I know? Trust me, bro :)

When you catch yourself being mean to yourself, beating yourself up, judging yourself, or feeling pity, give your brain evidence to the contrary.

This might sound abstract, so let me show you what it looks like in practice.

I saw this happen in real time

A beautiful example of this played out in my Self-Awareness cohort one day. We were doing this exercise where we all thought of a moment from our childhood that had stayed with us.

One of the participants, a father, a husband, a son, and a team member, went back to a time when he was about 11 or 12 years old, playing cricket with his friends and simply being happy.

Kids were loud. Kids were happy playing.

Then an uncle of his showed up, scolded them for being noisy, and told them to stop playing.

He wrote a letter to his 12-year-old self.

This was one of the most beautiful moments in the session. And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I wanted to shed a tear and had to re-centre myself since I was facilitating the session. But it was such a whole moment.

He didn’t change what happened to him as a child.

He changed what that moment meant.

And sometimes, that’s exactly how we begin changing the way we see ourselves.

If you’d like to know more about the Self-Awareness & Mental Clarity Cohort or sign up on the waitlist to know when the next one will be held, please see this:

​Learn more about the cohort​

P.S. This cohort participation is free.

I hope this left you something to think about.

As always, I’ve done this work over and over with people on the other side to get the results they didn't even know they wanted. All they knew was that 'something isn't sitting well'.

If you’d like to work through something like this with me in 1:1 coaching sessions, please feel free to book a call:

​Free Clarity Call​

See you next week,

Love,

Jasleen

P.S. I’d love to know if there’s something specific you’d like me to cover. Please feel free to hit ‘reply’.

P.P.S. I’d also love your feedback about this letter. I’d love to know what you thought about when you read this.

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